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March 21st, 2008
03:05 am
This is mostly for Stef and Sara...
Good Feeling #???: Discovering you have the moral high-ground <3<3
Basically, I found out tonight that David and his g/f are having sex....which pretty much 1000% (not 100) confirms that I was right to break it off with him, that I am better than him, and that I am better off without him.
"I will never doubt again." (Princess Bride)
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/dwaggins/cool.gif) satisfied
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March 12th, 2008
11:05 pm
Well, it's finally happened. The combination of depression, loneliness, my mother's griping and nagging and lecturing and judging, liking people I can't have, a few margaritas and my sister's "help" have all led me to...existentialism. I suddenly find myself identifying with the French just so I can justify what I do to myself and be able to ignore the bullshit my family feeds me at every turn and not give into their judgmental, thinking-Kelly-is-stupid-and-needs-all-the-guidance-and-advice-and-steering-into-a-ditch-she-can-get mentality.
Am I overreacting? Yes. Do I care? No. Am I slightly inebriated? Hell yes. Am I sick of my family's bullshit? FUCK YES.
Bite me, bitches. It's my hot body, I do what I want. So leave me alone and let me make my own fucking decisions/mistakes/what-the-fuck-evers. What the fuck does it matter if I do it your way, my way, or any freakin way I want? I'm never gonna be fully happy, so let me enjoy what few delusional pleasures I have left.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/dwaggins/blank.gif) apathetic
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February 24th, 2008
08:33 pm
Bad place. Bad bad bad place. My subconscious will not let me rest...I keep having awesome dreams and then waking up to reality and having terrible days.
...Must get into "I don't give a shit" mode or I will go crazy.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/dwaggins/tearful.gif) depressed
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February 17th, 2008
10:10 pm
Okay, NOW I give up. I suck.
Current Mood: self-hatred
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February 16th, 2008
02:23 am
My brother-in-law has convinced me not to give up yet. He seems to have inexplicable faith that this guy is both psychotic amounts of shy and not as clueless as I think him to be.
*grumbles* We shall see....we SHALL see.
Current Mood: cynical? hopeful? *shrug*
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February 11th, 2008
11:57 pm
Tonight, I got my face rejected off and then was forced to watch Pride and Prejudice. I feel GREAAAAAAT.
Current Mood: Down in the Dumps
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February 3rd, 2008
12:03 am
I am apparently a "good buddy." Whatever the fuck that means. Why do I even bother?
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/dwaggins/sad.gif) crappy
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January 28th, 2008
04:36 pm
Well...he didn't come to my opera. Had studying to do. Which is his loss cause I was a mostly naked ghost and everyone told me I was HOOOOTTT. But we're supposed to go to the opera this weekend, so that will be fun.
My opera went really well. Tons of fun and people seemed impressed with me. My parents' kitchen is covered in flowers, so I take that as a good sign.
David and I seem to be getting along a little better these days. Better than being bitter and hating his guts.
Sad I'm missing Mardi Gras. I'm sure it will be awesome.
School is good. Fam is fine. All is going at least decently well, so not too many complaints.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/dwaggins/smile.gif) content
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January 19th, 2008
02:55 am
Alright so...is there a less cliche, stupid, nerve-racking, high school...nay, middle schooly way to tell someone you like them other than, "Hey...I like you. You cool with that?"? Cause I get the feeling that unless I put it on a bulletin board with flashing neon lights and shove his face in it, this will not go very far. But it just feels so dumb and awkward. Not to mention girly and needy..."let's define 'us' if such a thing exists or could exist." Barf.
Bleh. I'm not even sure if I need to. I'm likely overanalyzing and worrying as I tend to do. Maybe we're both just shy, slow starters. I mean...there's nothing to say it's NOT mutual. And boys are dumb and leave it to us to control everything cause they honestly couldn't care less.
Meh. He bought me dinner. I'm content. For now. Damnit.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/dwaggins/think.gif) thoughtful
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January 13th, 2008
02:40 pm
I am.....happy. But not like....overjoyously I can't control myself happy. It's more like...contented happy. But I am also not totally content. It's more like being content with the possibility of my future contentment (is that the right form of that word?). I am also hopeful but not like...desperately hopeful. This is a weird feeling which I am not familiar with. Nor do I know what to call it or how to really describe it. Satisfied with my life at this exact point in time because it has possibilities without the crazy pressure I usually put on myself and everyone around me? Sure, that works. Again, I am not really familiar with this particular state of mind...but I am okay with it.
Also....*BIG GOOFY GRIN*
Current Mood: literally
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January 7th, 2008
01:47 am
Damnit, I'm going to fuck up again. Someone slap me or tie me down or something. I clearly am not fit to handle normal situations with my fellow human beings.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/dwaggins/shocked.gif) nervous
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January 5th, 2008
03:20 pm
Okay people, cross your fingers, pray, turn around 3 times and click your heels, whatever you do for good luck. I'm gonna need it.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/dwaggins/determined.gif) determined
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January 1st, 2008
03:09 pm
Went to that party with Lori n Chris. It was alright. Learned a little about shooting n betting on Craps. Lots of alcohol. Mostly couples sadly. The one hot alone guy ignored me all night...go figure. It was apparently an 80s party, which my sis neglected to mention, which pisses me off cause if I had known, I would have dressed up. One guy was dressed as Billy Idol....it was amazing and he was my hero.
Anyways, my brain is going to the bad place. The bad place where I get SO confused about guys that I have thoughts I shouldn't. Or at least I start thinking about regrets and shit.
Honestly, I'm kind of just getting tired of trying and wanting and wishing and waiting overall. Which I believe is good because that means I'll start ignoring guys all together soon (*finger crosses*). In which case, my life will be more fulfilling and happy because I will be living it for myself.
Here's hoping in the new year. *HUGS* and love for all.
Current Mood: contemplative
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December 31st, 2007
12:06 am
Juno:
Amazing.
Also now on my list of depressingly spectacular movies that just prove how alone I will forever be.
Current Mood: down in the dumps
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December 27th, 2007
12:33 pm
Heh, I'm sick and home alone with nothing to do (mostly), so I pulled out the Anita Blake series and am doing some "light" reading. So naturally I am in full, pissed off, cynical bitch Anita mode right now. And I therefore blew up at Brandon last night via text message.
And damned if it didn't feel good. Call me sadistic, but being understanding and forgiving all the time is a pain in the ass. I was kinda hoping he would get angry back at me, but I don't think he realizes just how pissy I was...text messages don't really get that across I guess. Plus most of the time he's too damn passive to, ya know, feel any kind of negative emotion at all. Bully for him. No, he just sat there like a wounded puppy and told me I was being dramatic. No shit sherlock.
He made me cry the other day. He purposely manipulated me into telling him why I thought we couldn't have a long term relationship (ie. what was "wrong" with him). It doesn't exactly feel like a hot stone massage when you're telling someone what you don't like about them. It felt pretty damn horrible, hence the crying. Luckily, I stuck to the big things, and even then the list was long.
We also had the "monster" realization that we don't really talk to each other. Big shocker there.
Anyways, so he gave me this big long speech about how we needed to talk more and open up to each other and "work on things" and all this crap. Have I gotten anything back for the painful spillage of my guts? Has he opened up to me at all? Nope. All I've gotten is that he thinks I'm too negative. Well la di frickin da, everyone knows that. I prefer the term "cynical," possibly even "jaded" as my facialist calls me.
So I'm pissy. I know the boy's not gonna change. No one ever does. Which is why I'm going to be alone for a very long time. I'm too damn picky and have too many unreachable standards for any normal, run-o-the-mill homo sapien.
This is how desperate I am...I am thinking of going to a New Year's Eve party with my sis n bro-in-law with thousands of strangers where I'm probably gonna have an awful time b/c I'm not exactly a social butterfly, and everyone is probably gonna have a date anyways (except me, of course)...instead of hanging out with my friends, like I do every year. What ungodly demon is possessing me to actually kind of WANT to put a nice dress on, put a bunch of fucking makeup on so that I look like a hooker, and play the sophisticated, grown-up single lady? INSTEAD of throwing a pair of jeans on and going to a house party with booze, good friends, bad movies, and banging pots and pans together at midnight?
*sigh* Hope. Desperation and hope. Of meeting some too-good-to-be-true, rich, sophisticated mr. perfect who is everything I want him to be and more. Haha...hahahHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAA. I am a sad little cookie. Sad indeed.
Current Mood: Bitter
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December 7th, 2007
02:22 pm
Starbucks guy, aka Daniel:
- works at Barnes and Noble (as well as the SB cafe within)
- teaches piano to K-5th graders
- got another job at some clothing store that makes clothes from natural fabrics and dyes (hemp and such)
- has 3 jobs, but no money
- under 21...ie. 19 or 20
- lives at home
- jazzer (piano and guitar)
- went to HSPVA for high school...which is awesome
- supposedly got into a bunch of great conservatories for college (New England, Oberlin, etc.)...but didn't go b/c he wasn't ready to leave home...so no college/degree
- EMO, with EMO FRIENDS
- when he's bored, he likes to listen to music, write music, read, and (the kicker) make up scenarios to test himself to see how he'd react...cause you never know what life will throw at you
- refuses to eat red meat
Man, I can really pick 'em. Just shoot me now.
Current Mood: cynical
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December 1st, 2007
02:28 am
Oh yeah...THAT'S what hanging around straight guys is like....listening to them talk about how hot the OTHER women in the room are. Fuck.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/dwaggins/annoyed.gif) annoyed
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November 28th, 2007
08:45 am
Ah, problem solved. Or rather...figured out. I'm PMSing. YAY!
Current Mood: indifferent
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November 25th, 2007
11:39 pm - Oh wait, I have more to ramble about
Clearly, I am missing something in my life...and am trying to replace whatever it is with a male...which I know will never work. What is it that I am missing?
My parents would probably say God.
My sis...would say that and self-respect...she wants me to be comfortable with being me and concentrate on my career n school and being a confident, successful, grown-up woman.
My Italian/French stomach would say I need more chocolate and vino.
Jane would say vampires.
A therapist would probably say anti-depressants.
Stef, Mer, and anyone in the Manor of NOLA would probably say kinky outfits and crazy, uncomplicated sex.
Brandon would say him cuddling and spoiling me.
Me? My family probably has it about right. Sadly, I'm too proud, selfish, spoiled, and lazy to do what's good for me. I'd settle for some friends...some who actually want to hang out with me (and do) and have no problem with casual, friendly affection. I'm like...touch starved, attention starved, affection starved, laugh starved...i'm every kind of starved there is. I prey on the unsuspecting underclass males at school b/c I know they won't refuse my hanging on them, nor do they mind my crazy, suggestive jokes...which probably makes me look like a cradle-robbing skank, but when you need a hug, you need a fucking hug, and when you need to crack a sex joke, you should crack a freakin sex joke. Everyone is so fucking careful of each other here...no one wants to offend or get too close or act human...I may as well already be in a convent.
Ugh, I need to get to NOLA. Hopefully over the break in December. Please God get me to NOLA. Or fix me. Or something.
Current Mood: lonely
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11:18 pm - Ramble Ramble Ramble
Just when I think I am okay, I suddenly become not okay. I blame the books, movies, and all pre-conceived, completely false, overly ridiculous and impossible exaggerations of love and romance in the world. Plus my own idiocy...ie. hope.
I got a guy's e-mail address...two months after giving him mine and receiving nothing. Counter-productive much? I sent him one email inviting him out. I have received nothing. Not even a "sorry I couldn't make it." I sense this being just as fruitless as my lack of relationship with every other male in the world.
I just discovered that I still kind of want to punch Paul in the face. I need to stop reading. What is it about assholes that makes us want them even when they don't want us?
I finally saw the new Peter Pan...and it was strangely enlightening in the ways of guys....in that they are all frightened little boys too pussified to grow up and admit that they want someone to love n love them back just as much as females do. While this information doesn't really help me in any way, I found the movie thoroughly enjoyable and I totally want a Peter Pan all for my very own (except at the end of my story, he GROWS THE FUCK UP.)
Also, I saw Transformers...which is probably the best movie of all time. And I want a Bumblebee <3
I think my frustration, depression, and overall guy-pondering state of mind attacks me most thoroughly at night when I have nothing else to do but think/read/etc. I may need drugs.
I need to stop being so masachistic and hard on myself. Yeah right.
Current Mood: frustrated
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